COMMON PHRASES THAT UNDERMINE OUR LIFE-AFFIRMING INFLUENCE
For people who are adamantly against abortion, the following common phrases seem harmless and are well-intended. But to people trying to anxiously navigate an unplanned pregnancy, these messages (and even the memory of them) could make an abortion feel like the more appealing option than disclosing their situation and asking for help. We’ve learned so much from working with abortion-vulnerable women and men. We have seen how these messages, especially in Christian families/circles, can make people feel isolated and afraid to talk about their situation.
And these messages stick; saying these things in the presence of a 10-year-old can affect her when she’s 25.
Our suggested alternate phrases empower you to have greater life-affirming influence by speaking truth and love. That’s what makes them so effective in helping people in unplanned pregnancies feel seen, cared for and supported enough to talk about their situation and choose life!
#1
“Thank God you’re not pregnant!” or joking “You better not get/be pregnant.”
Why: These phrases communicate that an unplanned pregnancy is the worst thing that could happen (especially coming from a parent), and that you may not be a safe person to confide in if they were to ever become pregnant. It also subtly conveys that the pregnancy itself is the sin, and thus devalues the life of the baby. Mindsets like this have the potential to make abortion tempting, especially for young people, because it can make them afraid to tell you that they’re pregnant. It is certainly true that God’s grace and sovereignty often spares us from the many real challenges of an unplanned pregnancy, but we must be careful in how we communicate this.
Say this instead: “If you were ever to face an unplanned pregnancy, I would unconditionally love you and your child. I would help you navigate the challenging road ahead, and I’d affirm the value of your child’s life. Of course my desire is for you to follow God’s word and wait until marriage to have sex, and have children with a strong Christian and committed partner. However, I want you to know that regardless of your mistakes, I am here for you. Nothing you could ever do would make me love you less, and I wouldn’t kick you out.”
#2
*Talking carelessly about people in unplanned pregnancies, especially around your kids.
Why: Your kids (or friends) may perceive this gossip to be condemning, and assume you’re not a safe person to talk to if they ever find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. It also instills fear of being judged by their entire community. Speaking positively about women who choose life is so important. Some fear doing so glamorizes or promotes teen pregnancies. On the contrary, it simply encourages brave life-affirming choices. Remember, premarital sex is a sin, but pregnancy is not a sin, nor a punishment for sin. And a brave pregnancy choice should always be celebrated.
Say this instead: “It’s beautiful that ___ is having her baby. I’m not sure if she was considering abortion or not, but I really commend her courage and love. She may need some extra support and encouragement, so we should check in and see if there’s anything she needs help with as she prepares for her baby’s arrival.”
#3
“You’re having another baby?!” *making jokes about how quickly they’re having another kid, or about the size of their family.
Why: Even lighthearted jests like “don’t they know how babies are made?” can come across as devaluing the life they are carrying by implying that it would be better to not be pregnant. It’s important to always affirm the immeasurable value of a new life, no matter the circumstances. Also, fear of having “two-under-two” is a common reason people consider abortion. Phrases like this amplify the overwhelm they may already be feeling about their pregnancy.
Say this instead: “I’m so happy for you! Children are such a blessing! It seems like you’ll have your hands full, so please let me know if you need extra help with meals, childcare, etc. I’m here to help!”
#4
“Don’t abort! We’ll adopt your baby!”
Why: This one is sensitive and nuanced… Please hear our hearts here; we love adoption! It is a beautiful life-affirming option that we encourage if a patient doesn’t believe she can parent. There are a lot of couples who are eager to lovingly adopt an abortion-vulnerable baby. The intention and sentiment behind this appeal are truly beautiful! However, this phrase can actually be very overwhelming and hurtful to women in unplanned pregnancies for three reasons; it can feel like people are reducing her identity or value to just a vessel for a baby, it neglects any key factors that are making her feel like she can’t parent, and it minimizes her painful sacrifice. The most effective way to love the baby is to love the mother, so it’s best to approach an abortion-vulnerable mom with a gentle curiosity before assuming that adoption is the best fit for her.
Say this instead (after listening intently to her story, roadblocks, fears, and desires): “We’ll help support you in whatever ways you think would be most helpful, whether you choose to parent or create an adoption plan. In light of the difficult circumstances you mentioned, I understand that abortion may feel like a necessary choice in this moment, but it’s important to slow down and truly understand all your options and available resources before making a permanent decision. Carrying your child to term is a tremendously beautiful sacrifice of love. It won’t be easy, but you won’t be alone; we’re here for you whatever you choose.”
Note: It’s usually best for the adoptive parent selection process to be facilitated through an agency to reduce the emotional pressure that “can we adopt your baby?!” puts on the birth mom. However, in rare cases - if you already have a close relationship with her - it may be appropriate to say, “If you choose to make an adoption plan, we would be so honored and forever grateful to be the adoptive parents of your precious child. However, there is absolutely no pressure to place your child in our care if you’d prefer to explore other adoptive parent options through an agency.”
#5
“You’re not ready to be a parent.”
Why: This may be intended as a responsible appeal for adoption, but the sad reality is “not feeling ready to parent” is a common reason people choose abortion. When a woman becomes pregnant, she is already a mother. Empowering women and men in unplanned pregnancies to step up and embrace their current role as their baby's mother and father, despite feelings of inadequacy, will help them make a loving and selfless pregnancy choice instead of abortion. And if they choose to parent, the church needs to come alongside mom and dad to help equip them to grow into the kind of parents God created them to be.
Say this instead: “It takes a village to raise a child. I know you may feel like you're not ready for this, but I believe in you and I know you will grow through this process and be an incredible parent. What can I do to help you become the parent you want to be?”
#6
*Never talking about abortion.
Why: It’s essential to break the silence in your home, church or friend group on the topic of abortion for three reasons:
Create a Foundation of Truth - The abortion industry is incredibly deceptive and encourages quick pregnancy decisions, so when people find themselves in a vulnerable pregnancy situation, the odds are stacked against them. It’s so important to have educated discussions with loved ones about abortion - including the risks, long-term impact, and leading reasons people choose abortion. These open conversations will provide a foundation of truth for young people to fall back on if they are ever in an abortion-vulnerable situation. It will also establish you as a safe person for them to come to for help.
Teach Life-Affirming Influence - These conversations will help equip your kids to be compassionate and effective life-affirming influences for their friends.
Foster Healing for People with Abortions in their Past - If abortion is the “unmentionable sin” within your church or family, the assumed implication for women and men who have been impacted by abortion is that it is the “unforgivable sin.” Data shows that about half of women and men who have chosen abortion don’t believe the message of Christ’s forgiveness applies to their abortion (Lifeway 2015, 2022). Grace-filled words can foster healing and freedom through the love and forgiveness of Jesus.
Our heart is not to “call people out” or make you feel bad if you have said these phrases before. We believe God has equipped us at Thrive Medical Clinic with unique insights from working with countless abortion-vulnerable women and men within the local church community. Our heart is for you to be empowered with effective new life-affirming narratives to promote within your families and churches!
If this raises questions for you, please reach out to us at connect@thrivemedicalclinic.org, and also read our ‘beliefs’ summary. We’d love to talk with you!