How to Respond to, “I’m Pregnant and I Don’t Know What to Do.”

When someone confides in you that they are in an unplanned pregnancy and don’t know what they’re going to do, it’s tempting to jump into action-mode and try to quickly convince them to make a certain choice. However, in order to have loving and life-affirming impact, we need to slow down, meet her where she’s at, and then walk alongside her with love and support. The best way to care for the baby is to genuinely care for the mother.

This will most likely be a very confusing and stressful time for her, and she needs people in her corner that see her and have compassion on her situation. She needs to know there is someone beside her who does not condemn her for her past mistakes, but extends grace and is an encouragement toward making a decision from a place of clarity and confidence.

The tongue has the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21a). So how can we respond well, sharing the truth while loving her well? 

HOW TO RESPOND:

1. Thank her:
   First just thank her for sharing with you. It takes so much bravery to share her situation, especially if she’s considering abortion. She is being incredibly vulnerable and trusting, so thanking her starts the conversation with compassion and respect. 

2. Listen:
   It is so important to listen. Let her explain and express exactly how she is feeling about everything. Pay attention, have compassion, and don't jump into problem-solving mode. We believe that no one should go through an unplanned pregnancy alone, and we as the body of Christ are called to carry each other's burdens (Galatians 6:2). Thrive Medical Clinic is here for anyone facing an unplanned pregnancy, but she also needs a safe friend to confide in, someone in her life who will truly listen to all her desires, worries, or concerns and will walk alongside her as a friend!

3. Help her slow down:
   People in unplanned pregnancies often feel extremely rushed to make a decision; they may be anxious to get this “figured out” or “taken care of.” The hustle and bustle of daily life could cause her to make a hasty decision. Providing a safe place where she can take her time to just think out loud is so valuable. A place where she can sit quietly may be the welcome change-of-pace she needs. We want every woman to feel confident about their choice and have the opportunity to spend time processing all of the options. 

4. Understand her needs:
   Instead of trying to fix the problem, ask good questions, so you can better understand why she is considering abortion. Ask questions like “How can I be there for you?” or  “What can I do to help you right now?” She has real and weighty concerns that are influencing her decision! This is not an easy choice, and we need to truly understand her needs and how to meet them. Our abortion-vulnerable friends need tangible support in order to feel like they can choose life, but the only way to help her overcome the burdens causing her to consider abortion is to first understand those barriers.

5. Affirm her as a mother:
   When talking to someone in an unplanned pregnancy or someone considering an abortion, it's important to affirm that she is already a mother to the child growing inside her. No matter her decision - parenting, adoption or abortion - she is already a mother. Hearing, “If you do decide to parent, you will do an amazing job raising your child” when she expects to hear disapproval can have a profound impact. If she is considering making an adoption plan, affirm that she is a brave and loving mom to put her child's needs first, expressing true sacrificial love.

6. Communicate your support:
   Clearly communicate that you will be there for her no matter what. After listening intently to the barriers that are causing her to consider abortion, offer specific support to meet those tangible needs, as much as you’re able to. In order to empower her to feel like she can choose life, she needs to know what kind of support she will receive. 

7. Help her schedule an ultrasound:
   She has a lot she’s trying to figure out right now, and may not know what to do next. You don't need to have all the answers, but it’s important to share why it’s so essential to get a pregnancy-confirmation ultrasound before making a decision. Help her schedule a free ultrasound at Thrive Medical Clinic. As an extra measure of support, offer to come with her to her appointment or watch her kids while she is at the ultrasound appointment. 

8. Share the truth:
   Empower her to make an informed decision from a place of courage and confidence, instead of desperation or fear. She deserves to understand all her options, and she deserves to know exactly what is going on inside her body. After you have listened, understood her needs, affirmed her as a mother and offered your support, share the truth in love. Share that you love both her and the child growing inside her. You can explain that her child - like her - is made in the image of God with a purpose. Affirm that the road ahead may not be easy, but that she won’t be alone. Express that God sees her and her baby, and that they both have immense value in the eyes of the lord.

9. Pray and trust the Lord:

   Remember that your role in her pregnancy journey is to love her well, share the truth in love, and offer your tangible support. It’s not our place to pressure, coerce or control the outcome. Continue to be there for her, and pray for her and her child. Then trust the Holy Spirit to soften hearts.

It is our heart that each person considering abortion would hear the truth in love. Our heart is that you would feel equipped by these practical steps to know how to support any loved-one in your church, family or community, empowering them to feel like they can choose life. In order to share the truth effectively, we must first love. 

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” 

- 1 Corinthians 13:1

If this raises questions for you, please reach out to us at connect@thrivemedicalclinic.org, and also read our ‘beliefs’ summary. We’d love to talk with you!

Our Beliefs on Unplanned Pregnancies & Abortion

The way we talk (or don’t talk) about unplanned pregnancies and abortion can influence whether or not the people we love keep quiet and get an abortion, or speak up and choose life. A choice for abortion is often driven by fear, shame and perceived lack of support. In order to have biblical life-affirming influence, we must speak with both truth and love. Below is a summary of what Thrive Medical Clinic (TMC) believes about these topics. We hope this brings clarity, and equips you to speak in truth and love. 

Thrive Medical Clinic’s Beliefs About Unplanned Pregnancies & Abortion:

1. Being pregnant is never a sin or a punishment for sin. God’s Word is clear that sex outside of marriage is a sin, but pregnancy is not. Throughout scripture, God takes our sin and mistakes, and in his grace, he turns them into blessings. Even in challenging circumstances, and even if the child is conceived in sin, new life formed in the image of God is always a blessing of God’s grace, and should thus be valued, protected and sacrificially loved. 

2. A baby is always a blessing. Throughout scripture, children are always described as a blessing from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). Unborn babies may be unplanned or unwanted by their parents, but they are always planned and wanted by God (see Psalm 139:16). There are many challenges that result from unplanned pregnancies (being a single parent, or the difficulties of co-parenting, financial hardships, etc.), but the baby himself/herself is not a consequence, but a blessing that is worth sacrificing for.

3. Human life begins at conception. We firmly believe abortion - at any stage of the pregnancy - ends the life of a precious child made in the image of God (Psalm 139:13-16). We believe abortion deeply grieves the Lord and goes against God’s Word in the scriptures. Many people in unplanned pregnancies also think abortion is wrong, but they truly believe it’s their only choice. They feel trapped, so they close their mind and heart to the reality of the human life they are carrying. That’s why we share the truth in loving and effective ways - showing them their baby on the ultrasound, sharing fetal development facts, including that scientists confirm unique DNA (new human life) is formed at conception, etc. With the help of the Holy Spirit, this opens so many of our patients’ eyes to believe that to choose abortion is to take their baby’s life (not just a lump of cells).

4. The best way to love the baby is to love the mother and father. We can’t support the pro-life belief without supporting the women and men who choose life. We are pro-abundant life for the whole family, not just pro-birth. So many people get abortions because they don’t believe they actually have a choice, due to complex obstacles in their lives. As the hands and feet of Jesus, we believe it’s our responsibility to step into this gap and empower people with the solutions, resources and support they need to feel like they can in fact choose life, and thrive.

5. Unconditional love, without pressure or judgment, changes lives. Life-affirming influence begins with unconditional and sacrificial love toward the mother (and father). We desperately want to see our patients choose life, but we know it is not our place to pressure or coerce. God loves us by allowing us to have free-will, so we love our patients in the same way. It’s not our place to control the outcome. Instead, we listen (this is so important!), speak truth in love, offer tangible support, pray, and then trust the Holy Spirit to change hearts and save lives. This is how TMC supports people in unplanned pregnancies, and we have seen countless lives changed and babies saved.

6. Abortion is forgivable. Although abortion breaks our hearts, we will never condemn people who have chosen an abortion. Roughly half of Christian church-goers who have chosen abortion don’t believe they can be forgiven for this particular sin (LifeWay research). God extends forgiveness by the blood of Jesus to cover all of our sins, including abortion, to anyone who would repent and receive his healing grace (1 John 1:9, Romans 8:1). We treat Christians who have had an abortion as new creations in Christ, and view them as God does, washed clean and righteous in His sight (2 Corinthians 5:17-21). And we treat non-Christians who have had an abortion with unconditional love and respect as fellow image-bearers of God, and share the Gospel whenever we can. We deeply love women and men who have chosen abortion, and we want to walk alongside them toward the healing and wholeness that Christ offers.

   God forgave Paul and King David in the Bible, and called them to do great work for the kingdom. He can forgive and use you too!

7. The church is the primary vessel God uses to help people in unplanned pregnancies thrive. TMC is a critical part of their journey; we are their compassionate first responders in their time of need, but the Church is the hospital. Our heart is to work collaboratively with local churches to equip them to better see, speak to and support people in unplanned pregnancies within their own congregations. We also pray that our own patients will get connected to a local church, and be transformed by the love of Jesus and the ongoing discipleship of her new church community!

If you share these beliefs, talk about them! Silence and isolation can be crippling for people in unplanned pregnancies and for those who have an abortion in their past. Speaking with truth and love about these topics helps people know they are not alone, and are safe to confide in you. 

If this raises questions for you, please reach out to us  at connect@thrivemedicalclinic.org . We’d love to talk with you!

COMMON PHRASES THAT UNDERMINE OUR LIFE-AFFIRMING INFLUENCE

For people who are adamantly against abortion, the following common phrases seem harmless and are well-intended. But to people trying to anxiously navigate an unplanned pregnancy, these messages (and even the memory of them) could make an abortion feel like the more appealing option than disclosing their situation and asking for help. We’ve learned so much from working with abortion-vulnerable women and men. We have seen how these messages, especially in Christian families/circles, can make people feel isolated and afraid to talk about their situation.

And these messages stick; saying these things in the presence of a 10-year-old can affect her when she’s 25.

Our suggested alternate phrases empower you to have greater life-affirming influence by speaking truth and love. That’s what makes them so effective in helping people in unplanned pregnancies feel seen, cared for and supported enough to talk about their situation and choose life!

#1

“Thank God you’re not pregnant!” or joking “You better not get/be pregnant.”

• Why: These phrases communicate that an unplanned pregnancy is the worst thing that could happen (especially coming from a parent), and that you may not be a safe person to confide in if they were to ever become pregnant. It also subtly conveys that the pregnancy itself is the sin, and thus devalues the life of the baby. Mindsets like this have the potential to make abortion tempting, especially for young people, because it can make them afraid to tell you that they’re pregnant. It is certainly true that God’s grace and sovereignty often spares us from the many real challenges of an unplanned pregnancy, but we must be careful in how we communicate this.

• Say this instead: “If you were ever to face an unplanned pregnancy, I would unconditionally love you and your child. I would help you navigate the challenging road ahead, and I’d affirm the value of your child’s life. Of course my desire is for you to follow God’s word and wait until marriage to have sex, and have children with a strong Christian and committed partner. However, I want you to know that regardless of your mistakes, I am here for you. Nothing you could ever do would make me love you less, and I wouldn’t kick you out.”

#2

*Talking carelessly about people in unplanned pregnancies, especially around your kids. 

• Why: Your kids (or friends) may perceive this gossip to be condemning, and assume you’re not a safe person to talk to if they ever find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. It also instills fear of being judged by their entire community. Speaking positively about women who choose life is so important. Some fear doing so glamorizes or promotes teen pregnancies. On the contrary, it simply encourages brave life-affirming choices. Remember, premarital sex is a sin, but pregnancy is not a sin, nor a punishment for sin. And a brave pregnancy choice should always be celebrated.

• Say this instead: “It’s beautiful that ___ is having her baby. I’m not sure if she was considering abortion or not, but I really commend her courage and love. She may need some extra support and encouragement, so we should check in and see if there’s anything she needs help with as she prepares for her baby’s arrival.”

#3

“You’re having another baby?!” *making jokes about how quickly they’re having another kid, or about the size of their family.

• Why: Even lighthearted jests like “don’t they know how babies are made?” can come across as devaluing the life they are carrying by implying that it would be better to not be pregnant. It’s important to always affirm the immeasurable value of a new life, no matter the circumstances. Also, fear of having “two-under-two” is a common reason people consider abortion. Phrases like this amplify the overwhelm they may already be feeling about their pregnancy.

• Say this instead: “I’m so happy for you! Children are such a blessing! It seems like you’ll have your hands full, so please let me know if you need extra help with meals, childcare, etc. I’m here to help!”

#4

“Don’t abort! We’ll adopt your baby!”

• Why: This one is sensitive and nuanced… Please hear our hearts here; we love adoption! It is a beautiful life-affirming option that we encourage if a patient doesn’t believe she can parent. There are a lot of couples who are eager to lovingly adopt an abortion-vulnerable baby. The intention and sentiment behind this appeal are truly beautiful! However, this phrase can actually be very overwhelming and hurtful to women in unplanned pregnancies for three reasons; it can feel like people are reducing her identity or value to just a vessel for a baby, it neglects any key factors that are making her feel like she can’t parent, and it minimizes her painful sacrifice. The most effective way to love the baby is to love the mother, so it’s best to approach an abortion-vulnerable mom with a gentle curiosity before assuming that adoption is the best fit for her.

• Say this instead (after listening intently to her story, roadblocks, fears, and desires): “We’ll help support you in whatever ways you think would be most helpful, whether you choose to parent or create an adoption plan. In light of the difficult circumstances you mentioned, I understand that abortion may feel like a necessary choice in this moment, but it’s important to slow down and truly understand all your options and available resources before making a permanent decision. Carrying your child to term is a tremendously beautiful sacrifice of love. It won’t be easy, but you won’t be alone; we’re here for you whatever you choose.”

• Note: It’s usually best for the adoptive parent selection process to be facilitated through an agency to reduce the emotional pressure that “can we adopt your baby?!” puts on the birth mom. However, in rare cases - if you already have a close relationship with her -  it may be appropriate to say, “If you choose to make an adoption plan, we would be so honored and forever grateful to be the adoptive parents of your precious child. However, there is absolutely no pressure to place your child in our care if you’d prefer to explore other adoptive parent options through an agency.”

#5

“You’re not ready to be a parent.”

• Why: This may be intended as a responsible appeal for adoption, but the sad reality is “not feeling ready to parent” is a common reason people choose abortion. When a woman becomes pregnant, she is already a mother. Empowering women and men in unplanned pregnancies to step up and embrace their current role as their baby's mother and father, despite feelings of inadequacy, will help them make a loving and selfless pregnancy choice instead of abortion. And if they choose to parent, the church needs to come alongside mom and dad to help equip them to grow into the kind of parents God created them to be.

• Say this instead: “It takes a village to raise a child. I know you may feel like you're not ready for this, but I believe in you and I know you will grow through this process and be an incredible parent. What can I do to help you become the parent you want to be?”

#6

*Never talking about abortion. 

• Why: It’s essential to break the silence in your home, church or friend group on the topic of abortion for three reasons:

• Create a Foundation of Truth  - The abortion industry is incredibly deceptive and encourages quick pregnancy decisions, so when people find themselves in a vulnerable pregnancy situation, the odds are stacked against them. It’s so important to have educated discussions with loved ones about abortion - including the risks, long-term impact, and leading reasons people choose abortion. These open conversations will provide a foundation of truth for young people to fall back on if they are ever in an abortion-vulnerable situation. It will also establish you as a safe person for them to come to for help.

• Teach Life-Affirming Influence - These conversations will help equip your kids to be compassionate and effective life-affirming influences for their friends. 

• Foster Healing for People with Abortions in their Past - If abortion is the “unmentionable sin” within your church or family, the assumed implication for women and men who have been impacted by abortion is that it is the “unforgivable sin.” Data shows that about half of women and men who have chosen abortion don’t believe the message of Christ’s forgiveness applies to their abortion (Lifeway 2015, 2022). Grace-filled words can foster healing and freedom through the love and forgiveness of Jesus.

Our heart is not to “call people out” or make you feel bad if you have said these phrases before. We believe God has equipped us at Thrive Medical Clinic with unique insights from working with countless abortion-vulnerable women and men within the local church community. Our heart is for you to be empowered with effective new life-affirming narratives to promote within your families and churches! 

If this raises questions for you, please reach out to us at connect@thrivemedicalclinic.org, and also read our ‘beliefs’ summary. We’d love to talk with you!